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Thought Chronicles
Life Lived Between the end Points: Reflections on GORUCK Selection 021
Did you see me crying at that fire? I was dejected in my friend’s arms, sobbing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. Do you wonder what I was thinking about during that moment I couldn’t speak and Jason shooed the camera away asking to give me some space and dignity and everyone else was[…]
Two Perspectives on 40 Years
Two Perspectives on 40 years One: I have risked everything, lost everything. I’ve been married twice. I’ve been 200,000 dollars in debt and borrowed money from my parents. I’ve broken promises. I’ve stayed in a terrible relationship for years. I’ve failed to reach countless goals. I’ve lost friends, been a terrible friend. I’ve overtrained. I’ve[…]
Learning to Fly: Paragliding in New Zealand
The Jagged peaks of southern New Zealand rise above the green valley floor. From my vantage point high on Coronet Peak I can see forever. Everything slowly comes to life as the sun inches above the horizon. I struggle to return to the task at hand while surrounded by the movie-set scenery. The lines to[…]
Journey through the Rockies: 2018 Tour Divide Post-Race Thoughts
I started driving down the main road to the Mexican border with Jeff Sharpe at around 1:00 in the morning for a 2:00 northbound departure. I was thankful for his willingness to provide transportation at that early hour and he mentioned he wished more riders would get an early start because the heat of the[…]
Tour Divide 2018: The Longest Mountain Bike Race in the World
Jaala and I are a lot alike. We love to challenge ourselves in many different sports regardless of our level of proficiency. This year Jaala’s athletic goal is a 48 hour physical event run by former Special Forces cadre; the event is called GORUCK Selection (link to blog post). It is a brutal non-stop event[…]
Failing Seventh Grade Math: Atypical Thoughts of a 39-year-old
On this, my 39th birthday, you may be surprised to know what I am not thinking about. I’m not thinking about aging. I am not thinking about gray hair. I am not thinking about creaking bones, obesity, 401Ks, buying a home, debt, stress, or anything else that a typical 39-year-old is supposed to be thinking[…]
Fighting Saddam’s Ghost
It started with a photo. Standing in the Dead Sea with a huge grin on my face, my eyes were squeezed shut because I had accidentally opened them in the saltiest water on earth and gone temporarily blind. The water was blue, the sky was clear, the rocks shone brightly with flecks of salt reflecting[…]
A Black Hole of Possibilities: Redefining Success at GORUCK Selection 019
*Selection photos by GORUCK “This is how people die on Mt. Everest,” I thought. Gazing at the stars through the canopy of swamp vegetation, anchored to the ground by the 60+ pound ruck on my back, I was a turtle; there was no possibility of flipping myself over. My mind was giving my body instructions[…]
Drowning in the River Arnon
“Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” Dylan Thomas (https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/do-not-go-gentle-good-night) One moment we were swimming and wading down the Biblical River Arnon in Wadi Mujib, Jordan, the next moment I was drowning. It happened so fast. I turned around to tell Larry I would[…]
Fasting and the Firing Line of Life: Turning Tents into a School for Syrian Refugees
Last week I started a fast. For five days I wouldn’t eat anything; I’d only drink water, herbal tea, and a concoction made from fresh-squeezed lemons, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. My goal was three-fold: to give my stomach a rest, to clear my mind, and to re-focus on what is important. Though it is[…]
Camel Races and Smiling Faces
“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” -Iain S. Thomas As we bumped along discreet[…]
Improbable Jordan
The tires of the pickup whined as they hugged each turn. It was difficult to look at the young driver, head wrapped with a keffiyeh, making two cell calls simultaneously in a language I didn’t understand. I felt the back of the pickup floating as small waves in the road sent it slightly into the[…]
The Dark Night Sky and Unbroken Dreams
The sun is setting over the Pacific Ocean. I stare at the last sliver of light, hands on knees, slightly bent over so I can breathe more efficiently. Sweat drips off the tip of my nose and I watch it hit the dirt; it is one of the driest summers in the last decade in[…]
Mother of Camels
“Far out in the desert, in the midst of the rolling plains, there is a deserted city all of basalt, rising black and forbidding from the grey of the plain.” – Archaeologist HC Butler describing Umm al-Jimal Six miles south of the Syrian border, I sat in a tiny office with three Jordanian women, sipping[…]
Sitting, Seeing Petra
We all see what we want to see, A small shift in perspective changes reality; At first, I just paid the entry fee, But then, I sat to learn; to be. It was our second day in Petra, Jordan. The morning sun was just starting to peak over the canyon walls. Swirling red sandstone, shaped[…]
Self Arrest: Slowing Down to Train for Selection
As Larry plunged backwards head first down a steep icy slope, I watched nervously hoping he could stop. Flipping over quickly and orienting himself properly uphill, he plunged his ice axe into the snow. He laughed and said, “I’ll try that again, cleaner this time.” I giggled nervously and said, “You want me to do[…]
Exploded Stars and Pabst Blue Ribbon
My college boyfriend had a gloriously huge heart and a mind filled with dreams. A hopeless romantic, he seemed to not worry much about the serious things in life; student loans, grades, bills, the future. He used to read a lot of philosophy and at night, sing songs with his friends until dawn. Since[…]
Rekindling an Old Flame
The light from my headlamp threw the shadow of a lurking lizard onto the wall and made him 100 times larger than his actual size. His silhouette bobbed up and down and chirped loudly, trying to attract the lady lizard who was hiding in the dark. Though I couldn’t see the female, I knew that[…]
Song of Arya
I wake to the chirping of midnight crickets. Your head is pressed against my shoulder; we breathe together, in and out, in and out. We share a bed and I sometimes move to the floor to give you more space because I love you, more than a good night’s sleep…I smell your fur, pines commingled[…]
Being Bigger than Tiny
Thinking about how I needed to be bigger, I stood in line at Trader Joe’s with a basket full of meat and vegetables that I had no appetite for; I looked at the row of chocolate bars and added a few to the basket. At the same time, a lady in line tapped me on[…]
Meeting the challenge: Fields of Flowers and Selection 017
It was 2003 and I had claimed my very own seat on a city bus in Chengdu, China. I had already won a small battle; this was the first time I wasn’t stuck under some sweaty shirtless man’s armpit standing pressed against another 100 people trying to see the street from the fogged up windows.[…]
A Scar Etched by Sand
It happened so quickly. One second I was face down in the sand, crawling back through the water towards the other candidates telling Cadre Bert “NO WAY, I WILL NOT QUIT!” The next second I was walking towards the dunes, tears mingled with salt water and hiccups of defeat. GoRuck Selection 015 came to an[…]
Altitude Training
With the absence of oxygen, a human will die. But, strangely, with just a little oxygen the human body will become stronger. Ever since the 1968 Olympics, which were held at about 7,000 feet altitude in Mexico City, Mexico, people have been curious about what competing at or training at altitude does to the body[…]
Being Kenny
As some of you know, I am trying to qualify for the 2011 Crossfit Games from my tiny basement gym here in Afghanistan. Last year, I was in the best shape of my life. I competed in the 2010 Southwest Regionals and planned to compete in the Games season in California this year too…I planned to get[…]
Drop by Drop
Some people are considered hopeless romantics. They go around wishing for silly things to occur like love at first sight, tulips to bloom in winter, music to actually burst through the sky to accompany them on their everyday tasks, and for world peace to blanket the globe. These people are considered romantics because all of[…]
The Roaming Gazelle
My wish came true. I am no longer a caged bird, but a roaming gazelle. Okay, I am not really a gazelle. I am just a simple (dramatic) American girl in Afghan clothes who has been admitted to a little-known world; the world of Afghanistan, circa now. Initially, I thought I would be stuck in[…]
Kabul in Hiding
I am in my apartment alone; it is quiet save for the honking horns, men talking, and occasional call to prayer. The brown light of the afternoon peeks through my opaque windows. Mountains on the horizon beckon to me; I wish I could bound into the afternoon heat and run up to the radio towers[…]